SOME NOTES ON QUOTES BEFORE YOU VOTE

In consulting my mission statement, I find I am here to serve you in securing a happy and fruitful life during the plague years. What better way than to assist you in choosing our next president this coming Tuesday? How? We thought that reviewing 25 memorable quotes from Donald J. Trump, the incumbent candidate, would be a good place to start.

What I’ll do here is quote Trump’s quote, then pose as his closest advisor (who cannot be fired…I have some photos from Moscow) to advise him on what challenges his remarks may provoke on the final leg of the campaign trail. To that end, we give them here, followed by my wise counsel. Here goes:

1. “GLOBAL WARMING IS A TOTAL, AND A VERY EXPENSIVE, HOAX.”

Sorry. Not a hoax, Sir. Future historians will rank your denial of it as your greatest failure…even greater than the second-degree murder of more than a quarter-million American citizens through your “mishandling” of the COVID-19 pandemic.

An overwhelming number of scientists consider the man-made increase in earth’s warming an imminent threat to human existence, not to mention a breeder of storms, famines, and pestilence to come. As leader of the world’s premier nation, you should have been leading the fight against it, Sir, not withdrawing from the Paris Agreement on climate control and bragging about freeing domestic fossil fuel polluters from existing restraints.

Forget what your “gut” tells you. And bring your knowledge up to the snuff. Embrace science…for your own sake. For starters, learn the difference between weather (here, now) and climate (everywhere, over time). Boss, I hope you accept this as constructive criticism. That is how it is meant.

2. “LOOKS LIKE BY APRIL, YOU KNOW, IN THEORY, WHEN IT GETS A LITTLE WARMER, IT [COVID-19] MIRACULOUSLY GOES AWAY.”

No, Sir, it doesn’t…and didn’t. And no, the pandemic was not another Democratic “hoax,” either. Yes, you’re blessed to have the gift of magical thinking, but that belongs in a Gabriel García Márquez novel, not the real world. Again, learn some science or listen to scientists who know far more than you ever will. In any case, you will be remembered in history as a fool and taker (second degree murder, through negligence) of yet-to-be-counted hundreds of thousands of American lives, sacrificed to your political ambitions. Moreover, you and your associates will be remembered for ignoring President Obama’s 69-page report that outlined how to cope with a pandemic sure to come. It might have saved you from the scorn you earned for practicing medicine without a license, prescribing hydroxychloroquine, and advising the ingestion of bleach and the opening up of one’s innards (surgically?) to sunlight. That might just bring on those nuisance malpractice suits once you’re out of office. Just trying to be of help, Sir.

3. “WHEN SOMEBODY IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, THE AUTHORITY IS TOTAL. AND THAT’S THE WAY IT’S GOTTA BE. IT’S TOTAL.”

That may be the way in should be, Mr. President. But I fear out on the trail folks aren’t going to accept it. Why, out West those malcontents are saying you’ve already violated the letter and the law spelled out in the Constitution several times over. Sure, I know, you were acquitted in your impeachment trial for abusing your powers, contempt of Congress, obstructing justice, extorting Ukraine for dirt on your political rival Joe Biden, flouting the Emoluments Clause, and so on. I agree, you should be attending to a more pressing problem facing the nation—the desecration of Confederate statues.

But, as they say, the times they are a-changing. You can’t count on having all those friendly 53 Republican senators who acquitted you in your impeachment trial to be around after November 4 to protect you. They’ll likely be…well…voted out of office. Another thing…I know you were bummed when the Supreme Court voted 7-2 against giving you imperial powers, but maybe they can be replaced in your second term, of course. We should, however, make you aware that folks on the West Coast are angry with you. Seems they don’t want to be ruled by a king…or a dictator.

4. “IT IS BETTER TO LIVE ONE DAY AS A LION THAN A HUNDRED YEARS AS A SHEEP.”

How right of you to tweet a quote from Benito Mussolini! You even share with Il Duce of Italy that same defiant, upward slant of the jaw, and you ape his cocky strut. It’s totally in keeping with your undying admiration of dictators wherever they be—Turkey’s Erdogan, India’s Modi, Brazil’s Bolsonaro, Saudi Arabia’s Mohammed bin Salman, Hungary’s Orbán, the Philippines’ Duterte, your North Korean paramour-in-waiting, Kim Jong Un (why doesn’t he ever write?), and lastly and mostly, your mentor and master, dear old Uncle Vlad himself. (Do you really kneel before him in those one-on-one private meetings when you meekly ask him if he put a bounty on the lives of American soldiers?) All of those tough guys are so manly strong. Their words are law! See how they are obeyed! And they look so good in uniform!

5. “DON’T TELL ME IT DOESN’T WORK—TORTURE WORKS. OKAY FOLKS?”

You must know that intelligence experts don’t agree with you, Sir, but since you’re advising the Chinese on setting up their concentration camps, we must assume you know more than they do. Just curious, but do you like to watch tortures in progress? Or do you prefer to extract victims’ fingernails yourself? I ask because we’ve heard of your squeamishness about germs, blood, sharks, and such. Or are you merely satisfied that it’s done out of sight? We ask that because it has been reported that when you’re firing some subordinate you can’t do it face to face, so you do it by memo or tweet. Sometimes the firings by tweet are long-distance…like when you canned Secretary of State Rex Tillerson when he was in Ethiopia. Classy. As you’ve demonstrated to the world, empathy has no place in the art of torture.

6. “THE BUDGET WAS UNLIMITED, BUT I EXCEEDED IT.”

Is this your way, Sir, of telling us you are following party policy in running up deficits? Or is it your muddled way of telling us you failed to fulfill your pledge to rid us of our huge national deficit in eight years? That you’ve instead grown it by more than $5.2 trillion in less than four years? Well, what do they expect from a guy who has gone through six business bankruptcies; Trumpers know you’re still learning on the job. At least you delivered on that promised tax cut to those needy folks at the top of the heap; it should trickle down through the nation’s urethra to the masses by November 3, right? Some words of advice, Boss. Don’t brag about the number of jobs you created in your first three years on the job. Obama beat you at that, too, in his last three years.

7. “YOU’RE GOING TO BE SO SICK AND TIRED OF WINNING.”

Sounds great, Chief…when do we start?

8. “I AM THE LEAST RACIST PERSON THERE IS.”

Withdraw that, Boss. Nobody will believe that until the Black-Lives-Matter folks name you “Man of the Year.” You’ll also have to explain to us again what you meant by those words you spoke on Charlottesville…and account for you and your father’s segregation practices in New York housing projects, and the fines for racist policies in your now bankrupt Jersey casinos. Maybe you could explain what you meant by “shithole countries.” Specify exactly what percentage of Mexicans are rapists and drug-dealers? Why do you wish to ban Muslims from entering the United States? That’s for starters. Sorry, Sir, but I advise you to disown the quote entirely. Tell them you never said it. That seems to work.

9. “NOBODY BUILDS WALLS BETTER THAN ME, BELIEVE ME.”

Do you mean the one separating Colorado and Mexico? Or the one Mexico is going to pay for? It’s going to be a tough task either wall, Chief, because you’ve got to reckon with those Chinese ancients who built their own substantial barrier. It’s 13,170 miles long and took an estimated 20 years of labor to build; all you’ve erected is 240 miles of flimsy fence and—in case no one has told you—you’ve got little time left to finish before next Tuesday. I’d rephrase the claim…but I can’t tell you how.

10. “I AM SELF-FUNDING AND WILL HIRE THE BEST PEOPLE.”

Ooops! Sorry, but you went zero for two on that one, Boss. We now know that our own billionaire oligarchs (and those abroad, too?) paid for your way to the White House, while you were dipping into the Trump Foundation Charitable Trust (to which you contributed nothing yourself) for petty cash. Not prudent. As for those best people you were going to bring to your administration, they came and went like a plague of locusts passing through a revolving door; roughly almost all of them are now free after their brief and perilous passage, the others…well let’s just say they didn’t make the trip without permanent stains on their resumes. Their names and numbers and tenure? Too many, too many, and too short. Boss, you might contact the Guinness people who keep those world records. Seize immortality where you can find it.

11. “NOBODY READS THE BIBLE MORE THAN ME.”

So that explains how you can read it upside down! Do you read it every day, Boss? When you can’t make it to church? How about the Ten Commandments? Knowing reading is a chore for you, I wonder if maybe you stopped after number six…you know, missed seven through ten, the ones about committing adultery, coveting thy neighbor’s wife, stealing, and telling fibs. Carefully reviewing those prohibitions and mending your ways might restore you to God’s good graces. Also, watch for another sin trap ahead; we’ve been told your church elders are contemplating adding an Eleventh Commandment: Thou shall not cheat at golf.

12. “MY MOTTO IS: ALWAYS GET EVEN. WHEN SOMEONE SCREWS YOU, SCREW THEM BACK IN SPADES.”

You’ve been reading Leviticus 24:19-22 in your Bible class! “Broken bone for broken bone, eye for eye, tooth for tooth”—you sure do practice what you preach, Sir, going after anyone who slights you in the least. I like your motto: “the weaker they are the harder they get hurt.” They call you a counterpuncher, but you’re more than that. You can bring the brawl to your adversary too, and put them down for the count if they’re meek or weak. Not so Sir, in your bouts with the “Lamestream Media” and its “Fake News” subsidiary; it’s not going well there, Sir…you’re way behind on points. Chalk it up as a lesson learned: don’t fight your betters. We say that because you seem intent on baiting Obama constantly with your taunts and barbs. In your own best interest, Sir, don’t do it. You are outclassed. How so? Picture Mohammed Ali in his prime pounding a slow and wobbly Two-Ton Tony Galento into a blob of orange slime. Get the picture? But just keep on punching down. Sure beats governing, doesn’t it?

13. “I WAS THE MOST TRANSPARENT, AND AM, [THE MOST] TRANSPARENT PRESIDENT IN HISTORY.”

No and yes, Boss. No when you go to court to hide your tax returns and business records from the public (unlike presidents before you who willingly showed theirs). No when you make those shady secret deals with foreign autocrats that you hide in top-secret files to keep from us. No when we try to get details regarding your many illicit amours.

But the answer becomes “yes, you are transparent,” when you lie to us face-to-face at a rally or on the telly; then we can read you like an open primer. You become the guy the poker-playing troops in the barracks love to lure into their game. You draw to an inside straight the first hand dealt and think your fortune is made. By the second deal the players know you are the eternal mark. Yep, you. You’re as transparent as Saran Wrap. Your addiction to projection telegraphs what you’re holding and your wagering habits. Your petty need for revenge prompts rash betting that will soon empty your pockets. As for bluffing, predictable face and body movements give you away. You’ll lose more than you lost with those bankrupt casinos in Jersey.

14. “I HAVE THE BEST WORDS.”

If you’re addressing a class of fourth-graders, perhaps. That’s the vocabulary level at which linguists place you. It is certainly lean and mean at 77 words. Why 77? Because the late-great writer Philip Roth let the number out of the word bag in an incisive email to The New Yorker magazine back in January 30, 2018:

“I found much that was alarming about being a citizen during the tenures of Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. But, whatever I may have seen as their limitations of character or intellect, neither was anything like as humanly impoverished as Trump is: ignorant of government, of history, of science, of philosophy, of art, incapable of expressing or recognizing subtlety or nuance, destitute of all decency, and wielding a vocabulary of seventy-seven words that is better called Jerkish than English.”

Sorry to inform you, Sir, but those so-called “intellectuals” say there’s even a problem with the chosen 77. You know, words like loser, stupid, great, bad, sad, horrible, terrible, incredible, unbelievable, disgraceful, powerful, fantastic, amazing, and so on—your crutch words, as it were—add up to a flatulent diction, filled with fuzzy abstractions, vague gabble, and a lack of clear meaning. (Their words, not mine!) You can take credit, though, for a neologism of your own: bigly. Looks like that’s a keeper, even for the purists.

You are a better communicator using your arm-waving theatrical shtick, that Vegas Lounge format where before an adoring crowd of cultists you brutally brand your imagined foes with smears, and at the same time draw pity from the crowd for all the wrongs that have been done to you. You win both ways. Masterful!

15. “NOBODY HAS MORE RESPECT FOR WOMEN THAN I DO.”

Really want to go with that one, Chief? Shouldn’t we first poll your wife and former wives, and your mistresses to back up that claim? Do you have any other witnesses—you know, tarts, affair-mates, one night-stands, playmates—you could call, say, if any case went to trial? What about those 26 women who have accused you of sexual harassment and assault?

Maybe you ought to back off on this quote, Boss. You know, the fake news folks will only dredge up that “grab-them-by-the-pussy” line, and “you have to treat 'em like shit.” Some folks might even think you’re a misogynist. This one’s going to be particularly hard to spin, Boss.

16. “I KNOW MORE ABOUT ISIS THAN THE GENERALS DO…I’D BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF THEM.”

Hard to support this one, Chief. As is your boast that you could rid us of ISIS. You did not go to West Point, the Naval Academy, the Air Force Academy—and you didn’t even serve in any military branch during the Vietnam War. Instead, you took six deferments due to the bone spurs that probably ruined your hopes of a career as a professional golfer.

Moreover, generals must be steeped in a knowledge of history, geography, engineering, military strategy, and tactics. You are not so steeped. Which might explain why you would “bomb ISIS.” Have you done a cost-benefit analysis? Those air strikes are rather dicey and quite expensive, and ISIS forces often move quickly in smallish groups from place to place, usually embedded within civilian populations. And you would have to live with the collateral damage the bombing did. Yeah? Okay, that’s doable then.

Finally, it would also be advisable not to slander John McCain as a hero manqué. It only begs the question, “Where were you when he was being tortured?”

17. “I HAVE THE WORLD’S GREATEST MEMORY.”

Going to have to scrap that one, Boss. Remember when Robert Mueller asked you those questions pertaining to the Russia/Collusion Investigation? You answered “I do not recall” or “no independent recollection” or “I don’t remember” 37 times. It wasn’t like he was asking you when you got your first tooth. His questions focused on events no more than two years old. By the way, have you read the Mueller Report? If you didn’t, and I know you’re too busy with matters of state to read anything that comes across your desk, he wrote that your responses were “inadequate” or “incomplete” or “imprecise.” Of course, you could always say you had a temporary attack of Alzheimer’s. No, on second thought, scrap that too. Let’s just admit you are not a fit contestant for Jeopardy.

18. “IT IS TIME TO DRAIN THE SWAMP.”

Tricky one here, Sir. Some cynics say you came to Washington not to drain the swamp, but to “replace” it with a bigger and deeper one you dredged up, along with its crocodilian code of ethics, from the Triassic.

Some pundits concede that your primitive savvy confounds today’s gentry so enslaved to their civil norms; they marvel at your swamp-smarts, at how you trash the Constitution routinely, in the open, then in effect say, “so, what are you going to do about it?” Your millions of Trumpenproles applaud with religious zeal your Mesozoic Era version of the political black arts, so red with tooth and claw. Those Washington elites deserve it!

For three-plus years you’ve survived in office with your bluster, feints and lies. Yet every thecodont does have his day, then exits the present into the past. Your time has come to do just that. In future time you’ll likely need to hire a battalion of lawyers to handle all those cases from plaintiffs–in-waiting, now that your presidential “Get-Out-of-Jail-Free” card has expired. How will you pay off their awards and your lawyers’ fees now if Uncle Vlad cuts off your allowance? Ah! Another Trump bankruptcy…how clever!

19. “I AM THE MOST POPULAR PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. I BEAT…HONEST ABE.”

If you’re talking about the modern GOP, you’ve sure proven that one, Boss. Take a bow!

20. “RUSSIA, IF YOU’RE LISTENING. I HOPE YOU’RE ABLE TO FIND THE 30,000 E-MAILS THAT ARE MISSING. I THINK YOU WILL PROBABLY BE REWARDED MIGHTILY BY OUR PRESS.”

If not our press, then how about the Russian press, since only they were present? You know, when you threw a private party in the Oval Office celebrating the Comey firing, toasting with Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, without any of those damn Americans present! Pour a second round (not for your teetotaling self, of course) and drink to Roger Stone and Wikileaks who made it all possible. (Pssst! Comrades, speak softly. Obama probably has the place wired.)

21. “THAT MAKES ME SMART.”

Your answer to Hillary Clinton when she accused you of paying no income tax was so clever. You didn’t even have to show her your tax returns to prove her wrong. Beyond smart, Boss. Have you ever thought of money laundering as a career? Deutsche Bank is said to be a soft touch.

22. “I’M ALSO HONORED TO HAVE THE GREATEST TEMPERAMENT THAT ANYBODY HAS.”

Yes, and it’s on full and fearsome display at your political rallies, Sir. And also backed by reports from the White House staff…though there is a dissenting view gusting out of the West Wing that you’re impossible to work for and with. Shall we poll the thousands who have departed your administration for confirmation? Or wait a few months when you’re flushed from office and they’re “free” to speak?

23. “I COULD STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF FIFTH AVENUE AND SHOOT SOMEBODY AND I WOULDN’T LOSE ANY VOTERS, OKAY?”

Hard to argue that one, Boss. But wouldn’t you prefer hiring out the hit to one of your old friends in the…you know. Or do you just want try out that new Smith and Wesson M&P M2.0 gifted to you by the NRA? Your voters would understand either choice.

24. “I DON’T THINK I’M GOING TO LOSE, BUT IF I DO, I DON’T THINK YOU’RE EVER GOING TO SEE ME AGAIN, FOLKS. I THINK I’LL GO TO TURNBERRY AND PLAY GOLF OR SOMETHING.”

We’ll chip in on the ticket, Boss. Taking Melania with you? Or is she flying straight back to Ljubljana? A bit of advice, though. You might consider bypassing Turnberry…it’s a nice course you’ve got there, but the Scots—and not just the locals!—have soured on you, and there’s widespread hostility toward you and your enterprises. Now the government is after you, for money laundering (that old fable!), and possible bank fraud, tax fraud, insurance fraud, and the usual crimes and misdemeanors.

Better you do a flyover and head straight for Moscow and hook-up with dear old Vlad. Then maybe you can take that long-postponed vacation trip, just the two of you, you seated behind the short, fit, manly conqueror of Crimea on his hog, with the Night Wolves biker gang as your escort. You depart on your wild ride heading east at dawn over the Moscow River, roaring across the meadowlands and past the Isle of the Dead before spending a stormy night on Bald Mountain, only to descend onto the steppes of Central Asia, there to pitch a tent and light a fire and, as comrades, stare together at a sky full of stars, and dream as one of sharing the Nobel Peace Prize. Separate sleeping bags, of course.

25. “I’M A VERY STABLE GENIUS.”

I’m going to recuse myself on that one, Chief. Why not turn that judgment over to the best and brightest you hired (and then fired) from important posts. They’re better qualified than me to say. Let’s hear from them:

General John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff, called you “an idiot.”

Reince Priebus, your first Chief of Staff, called you “an idiot.”

Steve Mnuchin, your Secretary of the Treasury, called you “an idiot.”

General H. R. McMaster, your former National Security Advisor, called you an “idiot,” a “dope,” with “the mind of a kindergartner.” (I’ve taken the liberty of interpreting the “dope” and “kindergartener” references as negative.) My advice? Fuhgeddaboudit!

Gary Cohen, your former Chief Economic Advisor, is prolix in his evaluation, Sir, offering such appraisals as “an idiot surrounded by clowns” and “a fucking asshole.” I assume the noun “asshole” is mainly descriptive of your personality, not your intelligence. No harm, no foul.

Rex Tillerson, your former Secretary of State, called you a “fucking moron.”

There’s that modifier again. It does not relate to measuring intelligence and we can therefore disregard it.

Tom Barrack, Jr., your friend and advisor, says you’re “not only crazy—but stupid.” Coward that he is, he denies that he said it.

Steve Bannon, your former White House Chief Strategist, says “He’s like an 11-year-old child.” Sour grapes, I think.

Katie Walsh, Deputy Chief of Staff, says working with you is “like trying to figure out what an 11-year-old child wants.”

Bob Corker, that retired Senator from Tennessee, says “the White House has become an adult day care center.” We’re supposed to take that as further corroboration that you’re an eleven-year-old who requires such care. I’m not buying it.

Maryanne Trump Barry, your older sister, says “he’s a clown.” (Cheer up, Boss! The word “clown” is not a measure of intelligence, but is probably not meant as a compliment—one of those barbs that stem from family feuds that never get settled, nothing more.)

Then there’s your niece Mary who wrote that unflattering book about you, and said your pathologies were so many and complex that to come up with an accurate and comprehensive diagnosis “would require a full battery of psychological and neuropsychological tests that he will never sit for.” Unkind to say the least. Okay, so she’s a clinical psychologist. But she’s probably just venting her anger over how you treated your brother, her father. But then, no family is perfect, as we all know.

Take comfort, Boss, that this study would probably not survive a peer review. In fact, negative assessments of your intelligence and stability—five idiots, two clowns, one moron, a couple of dopes, a stupid, and the agreement on eleven-year-old behavior—can all be dismissed as hearsay.

By the way, I’ll be turning in my resignation November 4, but would like to hitch a seat on your upcoming flight to see Vlad in Russia; if you could just drop me off in Paris…Macron thinks he has a job for me.

Thanking you in advance,

Lucky Larry

(Thank God for Schadenfreude)