Now that the dust is settling on the greatest scandal since the Clintons murdered Vince Foster, I’d like to throw my own handful of dirt into Devin Nunes’s political grave. You know who I mean—“Numbnuts” Nunes, that shifty congressman from the Fresno area who in every photo you see looks like he’s just been caught masturbating during church service. Yes, he’s the same guy our Dear Leader has praised as a man “of tremendous courage and grit” who will one day “be recognized as a Great American Hero for what he has exposed and what he has had to endure.”
Such a ringing tribute! So what did Nunes, Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, do to win such high praise from our president? Well, he sent to the White House, against all our security agencies’ protests that his four-page memo on the Russian investigation was misleading and contained classified information, a get-out-of-jail free card our President loved and released to the world. (A week later Trump put the Democrats’ lengthier rebuttal to its contents on hold, pending review of its classified material. Hardly seems fair, does it? Until you remember you’re dealing with Trump and his Republican enablers.)
What about this so-called Nunes Memo? The one the “author” admits not to have read? What was in it to cause such a fuss? Well, in short, it alleges that the FBI and the Department of Justice are conspiring to tag the innocent Trump with the high crimes of obstruction of justice, conspiracy to collude with Russia in fixing our 2016 elections, money laundering, and likely other felonies to be named later by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller.
How was the Nunes memo received by thinking folks? As so much paretic drivel...a dud that landed with a thud. Undeterred, Nunes promises that his next “investigation” will target the State Department, apparently another “Deep State” threat to our reigning monarch and his merry band of looters and abusers, and likely to earn the congressman an oak leaf cluster or two for his hero’s medal. What? You mean to tell me Nunes doesn’t have a medal? After all this Great American Hero has done for his country and the suffering he has endured? What shameless neglect!
OK, call it an oversight...and easily remedied. Isn’t the President planning a military parade to honor himself for what he would have done were it not for those disabling bone spurs that kept him from Vietnam? You know, a parade like they have in Moscow and Pyongyang where goose-stepping troops and low-slung tanks and heaven-pointed missiles pass by the approving boss in perfect synchronicity.
Why not combine the two—parade and medal ceremony? The two heroes honored in the great outdoors with Fox there to cover the festivities from sunup to sundown.
But where to hold it? Where do you pin the medal on the Nunes? Of course! In the shrinking heart of Trump country in California—the San Joaquin Valley, Nunes’s own constituency, the streets of Fresno. Naturally, it will take some time to lube the tanks, put the missiles on their dollies and get the rusty troops back into marching shape. (They love to march; just ask them.)
All should be ready by August. Ah, yes! Fresno in August—fits well in the congressman’s re-election campaign plan. See it now! A proud striding Nunes, twirling his baton, leading the parade to Woodward Park for the medal-pinning. Close behind is the president himself, waving from the backseat of his 1935 dark blue Mercedes...or maybe on a float of his own, leaning on a miniature replica of Trump Tower, regaling the crowd with his familiar Vegas lounge schtick. Coming next, shown the way by our Beloved Reichsleiter, is the U. S. military brandishing its mighty might (and doing irreparable harm to Fresno’s streets). Finally, bringing up the rear, the local GOP nabobs dressed in their dark suits and red ties and wiping the sweat off their brows, pondering a party-switch to maybe Libertarian.
You’re all invited! Bring your own raisins. And a fan.