HERE’S A FUN LOCKDOWN GAME FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY
Let’s go to the races!
Yes, yes, I know—this year’s Kentucky Derby (which would have been the 146th Run for the Roses) has been scratched. But don’t despair. I’ve invented a fun, stand-in game the whole family can play. It substitutes words for horses, and only requires players to watch on the telly President Trump deliver any of his almost daily Coronavirus Press Briefings. (Come on, do it for your country!)
Here’s how I set the game up. I took a half-loaf of fourth-grader’s grammar, mixed it with a quart of words from a 77-word vocabulary, added a cup of bile and a pinch of punctuation, mixed it in a blender for 30 minutes, then poured. Voila! From this goop I extracted my Baboon Gabble Derby Game.
You thoroughbred racing fans know that the Kentucky Derby is run by the 20 best three-year-old horses (be they colts, fillies, or geldings) in the country, determined by their records in past races. I selected my 20 entries in the Baboon Gabble Derby by watching too many Trump Coronavirus Press Briefings. To avoid dozing off into a rare (for me) afternoon nap, I started keeping a count of the word repetitions. To my non-amazement, I discovered that the same words kept recurring, but in different frequencies day to day.
Then it occurred to me. Why not do my civic duty of staying awake during the President’s two-hour flow of verbal flatulence by keeping a count of words used…and why not make a game of it? There could be odds, like in the Kentucky Derby! Folks could throw a BGD Day party (on Zoom, of course) and bet on their pick or picks. Yep, there could be Win, Place, and Show wagering. Daily Doubles and Pick Sixes if you wanted to segment the two hours of tedium. All you need is a television, a pen or pencil, and the Morning Line (below), which I have laboriously compiled over the last month plus. (You have my permission to reprint it, without infringement on my patent or copyright.)
Finally, I wish to thank and pay homage to The Daily Racing Form, whose format I have followed in listing the entries in the first Baboon Gabble Derby.
Note to those who become addicted to Baboon Gabble Derby game: remember, you should readjust the odds after every race run, based on the order in which the words finished in prior races.
You might want to honor Kentucky, Moscow Mitch, and tradition by sipping a Mint Julep while you play. They’re really easy to make. Fetch a sprig of mint from your garden, macerate it over crushed ice in an Old Fashion glass, pour in three ounces of bourbon, and add a teaspoon of sugar, stir and enjoy. Sorry I can’t recommend what brand of bourbon to pour. I’m a teetotaler myself, and fearful of falling off the wagon. So I substitute corn syrup for the booze and double the sugar. I limit myself to two. But feel free to down as many as it takes to see you through our common confinement.
And pick yourself a winner!
Copyright Baboon Gabble Derby Game 2020