NEWS BLITZ DAYS

WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN AT ONCE?

In my 63 years of toiling in the thankless field of journalism, I’ve seen good days and bad days, big news days and no news days. But I’ve never seen two giant news days in a row, and certainly not two so swollen with proper names and proper nouns (boldfaced here), all worthy of a front-page headline.

Let me write down some of them in case you went to the bowling alley for a fun couple of days and missed them. (Of course you wore your mask.) We’ll start with Donald J. Trump, our lame-duck president who seems reluctant to quit his place as our head of state. Monday the state of Michigan certified his opponent, as winner of its 21 electoral votes; it came the same day as the Pennsylvania Supreme Court threw out another of the president’s fruitless attempts to overturn the state’s election results. But to prove he still had his saber at the ready, an angry Trump cut loose Sidney Powell from her post as a member of his personal legal staff. (There are rumblings in the White House that Rudy “Sweathog” Giuliani will be the next to go.)

Also on Monday President-Elect Joe Biden made public the names of his first cabinet and advisorial appointments, and the general reception has been positive. Most are young, experienced, competent, and of varied ethnic and racial backgrounds, with many veterans of the Obama administration in new posts. Their names, new and old:

Antony Blinken, Secretary of State.

Alejandro Mayorkas, Secretary of Homeland Security.

Janet Yellen, Secretary of the Treasury.

John Kerry, Special Presidential Envoy for Climate.

Ron Klain, Chief of Staff.

Avril Haines, Director of National Intelligence.

Jake Sullivan, National Security Advisor.

Linda Thomas-Greenfield, UN Ambassador.

Welcome back Deep State! We sure missed you!

On Monday came the good news that AstraZeneca corporation, relying on research done at Oxford University, had developed a new vaccine to combat the COVID-19 virus. The drugmaker announced that its product—which joins Pfizer and Moderna in the race for a “cure”—had an average of 70% effectiveness, and was much cheaper than the others as well as more easily distributed to the world’s masses. Unfortunately, they backtracked almost immediately when questions were raised about their transparency on conflicting data, including whether the drug worked on older people and why some patients treated with smaller doses seem to fare better than those who got the full dosage. A sad setback in humanity’s battle against the plague of our (present) time. Meanwhile, the COVID-19 pandemic rages on unabated, with new records in illnesses and deaths set both days in the U.S.

Yesterday the states of Pennsylvania, Minnesota, North Carolina, and Nevada certified Biden the winner of the 2020 presidential election; on the same day the Dow Jones Industrial Average topped 30,000 for the first time ever. That economic milestone brought our lame-dick president out of hiding for a suddenly called one-minute-long press conference to claim credit for the market performance. He then turned heel and hurried out, taking no questions from reporters about when he would concede.

Congratulations to Biden continued to pour in from world leaders, including a late-arriving one from China’s Xi Jinping, who hoped the two countries could focus on cooperation rather than their differences. Only one major world leader has yet to be heard from. That was? Yep, you guessed it—Vladimir Putin himself! Is Uncle Vlad just being strategic in going along with his puppet’s refusal to concede? Or does the old flame still burn on in their S&M romance? You decide.

Finally, and rather surprisingly, Rush Limbaugh showed both anger and disappointment in Trump’s legal team’s hour-long dud of new conference that promised to expose widespread voting fraud. “They promised blockbuster stuff and then nothing happened,” he told his Monday radio audience. He was not happy. Do you think he’ll return his Presidential Medal of Freedom? I’m for it.

A Happy Day is Here Again!

Hope Shows Its Bright Face Once More

Yesterday brought some good news for almost everybody…except, of course, the Trumpenproles of Trump nation.

First and best among the blessings, Pfizer’s two-phase COVID-19 vaccine is ready to go, and according to General Gustave F. Perna, chief operating officer in charge of Operation Warp Speed, distribution is also poised and ready to go. Such was the message he delivered on Sunday night’s 60 Minutes telecast.

Second best tidings—“Acting” President (or Acting Presidential, if you insist) Joe Biden has already assembled his team to fight the pandemic that has killed so many world-wide.

There were celebrations of hope on the city streets across the nation, and indeed around the world—hope that our darkest days are behind us; our energetic President Elect, Healin’ Joe Biden, promises to give executive orders on January 20 to rejoin the Paris climate accord treaty and the World Health Organization, to strike down Trump’s ban on travel by Muslims to our country, and to reinstate the Trump-sidetracked “Dreamers” program.”

There may even be good news for our sulking would-be dictator, Donald J. Trump; the Dow Jones rose almost 900 points yesterday, and he has always reckoned the state of our national economy by the day’s numbers on the Big Board. Ooops! Sorry, I forgot he got deposed and is no longer responsible for our finances. As for his own, I’m guessing that the outgoing president’s personal finances don’t look very promising these days, now that Deutsche Bank has wised up. And then there’s that outstanding debt. As Polonius admonished, “Never a borrower be”…or something like that.

May your present joy last long and be justified by our common effort to face and reverse the many existential challenges threatening to extinguish the human species.

Yours in Schadenfreude,

Your Blogger

WHAT TO EXPECT IN TOMORROW’S ELECTION

AS PREDICTED BY YOUR LOYAL BLOGGER, LARRY L. MEYER

PROJECTION OF 2020 PRESIDENTIAL CONTEST

PROJECTED SENATE RACE RESULTS

Below are the 14 Senate races the pundits consider competitive this year. Remember, the Democrats need a net gain of three to take control of the upper chamber—a necessity if President Biden is able to do anything after supplanting Donald the Mendacious.

I have put the predicted winner in boldface type.

My predictions in the 16 closest Senate races indicate a slim Democratic takeover of control of the Senate (51-47), with the winners of Georgia’s two senate runoff races to be decided in January. Without firm control of the Senate, a President Biden administration could advance very little of its agenda; when the dust settles, after Georgia’s two runoff races in January, we’ll have a much better view of how the new Democratic administration will fare.

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES PROJECTION

The Democrats will retain their strong majority in the House of Representatives, and even add about three or four seats, giving Nancy’s Pelosi an even stronger hold on the House: 236 Democrats, 199 Republicans.

Now the tense time has arrived. If you haven’t voted, do so tomorrow. Our democracy is at stake. Now voyagers! Fare forward to seek and find!

SOME NOTES ON QUOTES BEFORE YOU VOTE

In consulting my mission statement, I find I am here to serve you in securing a happy and fruitful life during the plague years. What better way than to assist you in choosing our next president this coming Tuesday? How? We thought that reviewing 25 memorable quotes from Donald J. Trump, the incumbent candidate, would be a good place to start.

What I’ll do here is quote Trump’s quote, then pose as his closest advisor (who cannot be fired…I have some photos from Moscow) to advise him on what challenges his remarks may provoke on the final leg of the campaign trail. To that end, we give them here, followed by my wise counsel. Here goes:

1. “GLOBAL WARMING IS A TOTAL, AND A VERY EXPENSIVE, HOAX.”

Sorry. Not a hoax, Sir. Future historians will rank your denial of it as your greatest failure…even greater than the second-degree murder of more than a quarter-million American citizens through your “mishandling” of the COVID-19 pandemic.

An overwhelming number of scientists consider the man-made increase in earth’s warming an imminent threat to human existence, not to mention a breeder of storms, famines, and pestilence to come. As leader of the world’s premier nation, you should have been leading the fight against it, Sir, not withdrawing from the Paris Agreement on climate control and bragging about freeing domestic fossil fuel polluters from existing restraints.

Forget what your “gut” tells you. And bring your knowledge up to the snuff. Embrace science…for your own sake. For starters, learn the difference between weather (here, now) and climate (everywhere, over time). Boss, I hope you accept this as constructive criticism. That is how it is meant.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

2. “LOOKS LIKE BY APRIL, YOU KNOW, IN THEORY, WHEN IT GETS A LITTLE WARMER, IT [COVID-19] MIRACULOUSLY GOES AWAY.”

No, Sir, it doesn’t…and didn’t. And no, the pandemic was not another Democratic “hoax,” either. Yes, you’re blessed to have the gift of magical thinking, but that belongs in a Gabriel García Márquez novel, not the real world. Again, learn some science or listen to scientists who know far more than you ever will. In any case, you will be remembered in history as a fool and taker (second degree murder, through negligence) of yet-to-be-counted hundreds of thousands of American lives, sacrificed to your political ambitions. Moreover, you and your associates will be remembered for ignoring President Obama’s 69-page report that outlined how to cope with a pandemic sure to come. It might have saved you from the scorn you earned for practicing medicine without a license, prescribing hydroxychloroquine, and advising the ingestion of bleach and the opening up of one’s innards (surgically?) to sunlight. That might just bring on those nuisance malpractice suits once you’re out of office. Just trying to be of help, Sir.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

3. “WHEN SOMEBODY IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, THE AUTHORITY IS TOTAL. AND THAT’S THE WAY IT’S GOTTA BE. IT’S TOTAL.”

That may be the way in should be, Mr. President. But I fear out on the trail folks aren’t going to accept it. Why, out West those malcontents are saying you’ve already violated the letter and the law spelled out in the Constitution several times over. Sure, I know, you were acquitted in your impeachment trial for abusing your powers, contempt of Congress, obstructing justice, extorting Ukraine for dirt on your political rival Joe Biden, flouting the Emoluments Clause, and so on. I agree, you should be attending to a more pressing problem facing the nation—the desecration of Confederate statues.

But, as they say, the times they are a-changing. You can’t count on having all those friendly 53 Republican senators who acquitted you in your impeachment trial to be around after November 4 to protect you. They’ll likely be…well…voted out of office. Another thing…I know you were bummed when the Supreme Court voted 7-2 against giving you imperial powers, but maybe they can be replaced in your second term, of course. We should, however, make you aware that folks on the West Coast are angry with you. Seems they don’t want to be ruled by a king…or a dictator.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

4. “IT IS BETTER TO LIVE ONE DAY AS A LION THAN A HUNDRED YEARS AS A SHEEP.”

How right of you to tweet a quote from Benito Mussolini! You even share with Il Duce of Italy that same defiant, upward slant of the jaw, and you ape his cocky strut. It’s totally in keeping with your undying admiration of dictators wherever they be—Turkey’s Erdogan, India’s Modi, Brazil’s Bolsonaro, Saudi Arabia’s Mohammed bin Salman, Hungary’s Orbán, the Philippines’ Duterte, your North Korean paramour-in-waiting, Kim Jong Un (why doesn’t he ever write?), and lastly and mostly, your mentor and master, dear old Uncle Vlad himself. (Do you really kneel before him in those one-on-one private meetings when you meekly ask him if he put a bounty on the lives of American soldiers?) All of those tough guys are so manly strong.  Their words are law! See how they are obeyed! And they look so good in uniform!

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

5. “DON’T TELL ME IT DOESN’T WORK—TORTURE WORKS. OKAY FOLKS?”

You must know that intelligence experts don’t agree with you, Sir, but since you’re advising the Chinese on setting up their concentration camps, we must assume you know more than they do. Just curious, but do you like to watch tortures in progress? Or do you prefer to extract victims’ fingernails yourself? I ask because we’ve heard of your squeamishness about germs, blood, sharks, and such. Or are you merely satisfied that it’s done out of sight? We ask that because it has been reported that when you’re firing some subordinate you can’t do it face to face, so you do it by memo or tweet. Sometimes the firings by tweet are long-distance…like when you canned Secretary of State Rex Tillerson when he was in Ethiopia. Classy. As you’ve demonstrated to the world, empathy has no place in the art of torture.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

6. “THE BUDGET WAS UNLIMITED, BUT I EXCEEDED IT.”

Is this your way, Sir, of telling us you are following party policy in running up deficits? Or is it your muddled way of telling us you failed to fulfill your pledge to rid us of our huge national deficit in eight years? That you’ve instead grown it by more than $5.2 trillion in less than four years? Well, what do they expect from a guy who has gone through six business bankruptcies; Trumpers know you’re still learning on the job. At least you delivered on that promised tax cut to those needy folks at the top of the heap; it should trickle down through the nation’s urethra to the masses by November 3, right? Some words of advice, Boss. Don’t brag about the number of jobs you created in your first three years on the job. Obama beat you at that, too, in his last three years.

7. “YOU’RE GOING TO BE SO SICK AND TIRED OF WINNING.”

Sounds great, Chief…when do we start?

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

8. “I AM THE LEAST RACIST PERSON THERE IS.”

Withdraw that, Boss. Nobody will believe that until the Black-Lives-Matter folks name you “Man of the Year.” You’ll also have to explain to us again what you meant by those words you spoke on Charlottesville…and account for you and your father’s segregation practices in New York housing projects, and the fines for racist policies in your now bankrupt Jersey casinos. Maybe you could explain what you meant by “shithole countries.” Specify exactly what percentage of Mexicans are rapists and drug-dealers? Why do you wish to ban Muslims from entering the United States? That’s for starters. Sorry, Sir, but I advise you to disown the quote entirely. Tell them you never said it. That seems to work.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

9. “NOBODY BUILDS WALLS BETTER THAN ME, BELIEVE ME.”

Do you mean the one separating Colorado and Mexico? Or the one Mexico is going to pay for? It’s going to be a tough task either wall, Chief, because you’ve got to reckon with those Chinese ancients who built their own substantial barrier. It’s 13,170 miles long and took an estimated 20 years of labor to build; all you’ve erected is 240 miles of flimsy fence and—in case no one has told you—you’ve got little time left to finish before next Tuesday. I’d rephrase the claim…but I can’t tell you how.

10. “I AM SELF-FUNDING AND WILL HIRE THE BEST PEOPLE.”

Ooops! Sorry, but you went zero for two on that one, Boss. We now know that our own billionaire oligarchs (and those abroad, too?) paid for your way to the White House, while you were dipping into the Trump Foundation Charitable Trust (to which you contributed nothing yourself) for petty cash. Not prudent. As for those best people you were going to bring to your administration, they came and went like a plague of locusts passing through a revolving door; roughly almost all of them are now free after their brief and perilous passage, the others…well let’s just say they didn’t make the trip without permanent stains on their resumes. Their names and numbers and tenure? Too many, too many, and too short. Boss, you might contact the Guinness people who keep those world records. Seize immortality where you can find it.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

11. “NOBODY READS THE BIBLE MORE THAN ME.”

So that explains how you can read it upside down! Do you read it every day, Boss? When you can’t make it to church? How about the Ten Commandments? Knowing reading is a chore for you, I wonder if maybe you stopped after number six…you know, missed seven through ten, the ones about committing adultery, coveting thy neighbor’s wife, stealing, and telling fibs. Carefully reviewing those prohibitions and mending your ways might restore you to God’s good graces. Also, watch for another sin trap ahead; we’ve been told your church elders are contemplating adding an Eleventh Commandment: Thou shall not cheat at golf.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

12. “MY MOTTO IS: ALWAYS GET EVEN. WHEN SOMEONE SCREWS YOU, SCREW THEM BACK IN SPADES.”

You’ve been reading Leviticus 24:19-22 in your Bible class! “Broken bone for broken bone, eye for eye, tooth for tooth”—you sure do practice what you preach, Sir, going after anyone who slights you in the least. I like your motto: “the weaker they are the harder they get hurt.” They call you a counterpuncher, but you’re more than that. You can bring the brawl to your adversary too, and put them down for the count if they’re meek or weak. Not so Sir, in your bouts with the “Lamestream Media” and its “Fake News” subsidiary; it’s not going well there, Sir…you’re way behind on points. Chalk it up as a lesson learned: don’t fight your betters. We say that because you seem intent on baiting Obama constantly with your taunts and barbs. In your own best interest, Sir, don’t do it. You are outclassed. How so? Picture Mohammed Ali in his prime pounding a slow and wobbly Two-Ton Tony Galento into a blob of orange slime. Get the picture? But just keep on punching down. Sure beats governing, doesn’t it?

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

13. “I WAS THE MOST TRANSPARENT, AND AM, [THE MOST] TRANSPARENT PRESIDENT IN HISTORY.”

No and yes, Boss. No when you go to court to hide your tax returns and business records from the public (unlike presidents before you who willingly showed theirs). No when you make those shady secret deals with foreign autocrats that you hide in top-secret files to keep from us. No when we try to get details regarding your many illicit amours.

But the answer becomes “yes, you are transparent,” when you lie to us face-to-face at a rally or on the telly; then we can read you like an open primer. You become the guy the poker-playing troops in the barracks love to lure into their game. You draw to an inside straight the first hand dealt and think your fortune is made. By the second deal the players know you are the eternal mark. Yep, you. You’re as transparent as Saran Wrap. Your addiction to projection telegraphs what you’re holding and your wagering habits. Your petty need for revenge prompts rash betting that will soon empty your pockets. As for bluffing, predictable face and body movements give you away. You’ll lose more than you lost with those bankrupt casinos in Jersey.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

14. “I HAVE THE BEST WORDS.”

If you’re addressing a class of fourth-graders, perhaps. That’s the vocabulary level at which linguists place you. It is certainly lean and mean at 77 words. Why 77? Because the late-great writer Philip Roth let the number out of the word bag in an incisive email to The New Yorker magazine back in January 30, 2018:

“I found much that was alarming about being a citizen during the tenures of Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. But, whatever I may have seen as their limitations of character or intellect, neither was anything like as humanly impoverished as Trump is: ignorant of government, of history, of science, of philosophy, of art, incapable of expressing or recognizing subtlety or nuance, destitute of all decency, and wielding a vocabulary of seventy-seven words that is better called Jerkish than English.”

Sorry to inform you, Sir, but those so-called “intellectuals” say there’s even a problem with the chosen 77. You know, words like loser, stupid, great, bad, sad, horrible, terrible, incredible, unbelievable, disgraceful, powerful, fantastic, amazing, and so on—your crutch words, as it were—add up to a flatulent diction, filled with fuzzy abstractions, vague gabble, and a lack of clear meaning. (Their words, not mine!) You can take credit, though, for a neologism of your own: bigly. Looks like that’s a keeper, even for the purists.

You are a better communicator using your arm-waving theatrical shtick, that Vegas Lounge format where before an adoring crowd of cultists you brutally brand your imagined foes with smears, and at the same time draw pity from the crowd for all the wrongs that have been done to you. You win both ways. Masterful!

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

15. “NOBODY HAS MORE RESPECT FOR WOMEN THAN I DO.”

Really want to go with that one, Chief? Shouldn’t we first poll your wife and former wives, and your mistresses to back up that claim? Do you have any other witnesses—you know, tarts, affair-mates, one night-stands, playmates—you could call, say, if any case went to trial? What about those 26 women who have accused you of sexual harassment and assault?

Maybe you ought to back off on this quote, Boss. You know, the fake news folks will only dredge up that “grab-them-by-the-pussy” line, and “you have to treat 'em like shit.” Some folks might even think you’re a misogynist. This one’s going to be particularly hard to spin, Boss.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

16. “I KNOW MORE ABOUT ISIS THAN THE GENERALS DO…I’D BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF THEM.”

Hard to support this one, Chief. As is your boast that you could rid us of ISIS. You did not go to West Point, the Naval Academy, the Air Force Academy—and you didn’t even serve in any military branch during the Vietnam War. Instead, you took six deferments due to the bone spurs that probably ruined your hopes of a career as a professional golfer.

Moreover, generals must be steeped in a knowledge of history, geography, engineering, military strategy, and tactics. You are not so steeped. Which might explain why you would “bomb ISIS.” Have you done a cost-benefit analysis? Those air strikes are rather dicey and quite expensive, and ISIS forces often move quickly in smallish groups from place to place, usually embedded within civilian populations. And you would have to live with the collateral damage the bombing did. Yeah? Okay, that’s doable then.

Finally, it would also be advisable not to slander John McCain as a hero manqué. It only begs the question, “Where were you when he was being tortured?”

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

17. “I HAVE THE WORLD’S GREATEST MEMORY.”

Going to have to scrap that one, Boss. Remember when Robert Mueller asked you those questions pertaining to the Russia/Collusion Investigation? You answered “I do not recall” or “no independent recollection” or “I don’t remember” 37 times. It wasn’t like he was asking you when you got your first tooth. His questions focused on events no more than two years old. By the way, have you read the Mueller Report? If you didn’t, and I know you’re too busy with matters of state to read anything that comes across your desk, he wrote that your responses were “inadequate” or “incomplete” or “imprecise.” Of course, you could always say you had a temporary attack of Alzheimer’s. No, on second thought, scrap that too. Let’s just admit you are not a fit contestant for Jeopardy.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

18. “IT IS TIME TO DRAIN THE SWAMP.”

Tricky one here, Sir. Some cynics say you came to Washington not to drain the swamp, but to “replace” it with a bigger and deeper one you dredged up, along with its crocodilian code of ethics, from the Triassic.

Some pundits concede that your primitive savvy confounds today’s gentry so enslaved to their civil norms; they marvel at your swamp-smarts, at how you trash the Constitution routinely, in the open, then in effect say, “so, what are you going to do about it?” Your millions of Trumpenproles applaud with religious zeal your Mesozoic Era version of the political black arts, so red with tooth and claw. Those Washington elites deserve it!

For three-plus years you’ve survived in office with your bluster, feints and lies. Yet every thecodont does have his day, then exits the present into the past. Your time has come to do just that. In future time you’ll likely need to hire a battalion of lawyers to handle all those cases from plaintiffs–in-waiting, now that your presidential “Get-Out-of-Jail-Free” card has expired. How will you pay off their awards and your lawyers’ fees now if Uncle Vlad cuts off your allowance? Ah! Another Trump bankruptcy…how clever!

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

19. “I AM THE MOST POPULAR PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. I BEAT…HONEST ABE.”

If you’re talking about the modern GOP, you’ve sure proven that one, Boss. Take a bow!

20. “RUSSIA, IF YOU’RE LISTENING. I HOPE YOU’RE ABLE TO FIND THE 30,000 E-MAILS THAT ARE MISSING. I THINK YOU WILL PROBABLY BE REWARDED MIGHTILY BY OUR PRESS.”

If not our press, then how about the Russian press, since only they were present? You know, when you threw a private party in the Oval Office celebrating the Comey firing, toasting with Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, without any of those damn Americans present! Pour a second round (not for your teetotaling self, of course) and drink to Roger Stone and Wikileaks who made it all possible. (Pssst! Comrades, speak softly. Obama probably has the place wired.)

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

21. “THAT MAKES ME SMART.”

Your answer to Hillary Clinton when she accused you of paying no income tax was so clever. You didn’t even have to show her your tax returns to prove her wrong. Beyond smart, Boss. Have you ever thought of money laundering as a career? Deutsche Bank is said to be a soft touch.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

22. “I’M ALSO HONORED TO HAVE THE GREATEST TEMPERAMENT THAT ANYBODY HAS.”

Yes, and it’s on full and fearsome display at your political rallies, Sir. And also backed by reports from the White House staff…though there is a dissenting view gusting out of the West Wing that you’re impossible to work for and with. Shall we poll the thousands who have departed your administration for confirmation? Or wait a few months when you’re flushed from office and they’re “free” to speak?

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

23. “I COULD STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF FIFTH AVENUE AND SHOOT SOMEBODY AND I WOULDN’T LOSE ANY VOTERS, OKAY?”

Hard to argue that one, Boss. But wouldn’t you prefer hiring out the hit to one of your old friends in the…you know. Or do you just want try out that new Smith and Wesson M&P M2.0 gifted to you by the NRA? Your voters would understand either choice.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

24. “I DON’T THINK I’M GOING TO LOSE, BUT IF I DO, I DON’T THINK YOU’RE EVER GOING TO SEE ME AGAIN, FOLKS. I THINK I’LL GO TO TURNBERRY AND PLAY GOLF OR SOMETHING.”

We’ll chip in on the ticket, Boss. Taking Melania with you? Or is she flying straight back to Ljubljana? A bit of advice, though. You might consider bypassing Turnberry…it’s a nice course you’ve got there, but the Scots—and not just the locals!—have soured on you, and there’s widespread hostility toward you and your enterprises. Now the government is after you, for money laundering (that old fable!), and possible bank fraud, tax fraud, insurance fraud, and the usual crimes and misdemeanors.

Better you do a flyover and head straight for Moscow and hook-up with dear old Vlad. Then maybe you can take that long-postponed vacation trip, just the two of you, you seated behind the short, fit, manly conqueror of Crimea on his hog, with the Night Wolves biker gang as your escort. You depart on your wild ride heading east at dawn over the Moscow River, roaring across the meadowlands and past the Isle of the Dead before spending a stormy night on Bald Mountain, only to descend onto the steppes of Central Asia, there to pitch a tent and light a fire and, as comrades, stare together at a sky full of stars, and dream as one of sharing the Nobel Peace Prize. Separate sleeping bags, of course.

Artwork by David Kiphuth.

25. “I’M A VERY STABLE GENIUS.”

I’m going to recuse myself on that one, Chief. Why not turn that judgment over to the best and brightest you hired (and then fired) from important posts. They’re better qualified than me to say. Let’s hear from them:

General John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff, called you “an idiot.”

Reince Priebus, your first Chief of Staff, called you “an idiot.”

Steve Mnuchin, your Secretary of the Treasury, called you “an idiot.”

General H. R. McMaster, your former National Security Advisor, called you an “idiot,” a “dope,” with “the mind of a kindergartner.” (I’ve taken the liberty of interpreting the “dope” and “kindergartener” references as negative.) My advice? Fuhgeddaboudit!

Gary Cohen, your former Chief Economic Advisor, is prolix in his evaluation, Sir, offering such appraisals as “an idiot surrounded by clowns” and “a fucking asshole.” I assume the noun “asshole” is mainly descriptive of your personality, not your intelligence. No harm, no foul.

Rex Tillerson, your former Secretary of State, called you a “fucking moron.”

There’s that modifier again. It does not relate to measuring intelligence and we can therefore disregard it.

Tom Barrack, Jr., your friend and advisor, says you’re “not only crazy—but stupid.” Coward that he is, he denies that he said it.

Steve Bannon, your former White House Chief Strategist, says “He’s like an 11-year-old child.” Sour grapes, I think.

Katie Walsh, Deputy Chief of Staff, says working with you is “like trying to figure out what an 11-year-old child wants.”

Bob Corker, that retired Senator from Tennessee, says “the White House has become an adult day care center.” We’re supposed to take that as further corroboration that you’re an eleven-year-old who requires such care. I’m not buying it.

Maryanne Trump Barry, your older sister, says “he’s a clown.” (Cheer up, Boss! The word “clown” is not a measure of intelligence, but is probably not meant as a compliment—one of those barbs that stem from family feuds that never get settled, nothing more.)

Then there’s your niece Mary who wrote that unflattering book about you, and said your pathologies were so many and complex that to come up with an accurate and comprehensive diagnosis “would require a full battery of psychological and neuropsychological tests that he will never sit for.” Unkind to say the least. Okay, so she’s a clinical psychologist. But she’s probably just venting her anger over how you treated your brother, her father. But then, no family is perfect, as we all know.

Take comfort, Boss, that this study would probably not survive a peer review. In fact, negative assessments of your intelligence and stability—five idiots, two clowns, one moron, a couple of dopes, a stupid, and the agreement on eleven-year-old behavior—can all be dismissed as hearsay.

By the way, I’ll be turning in my resignation November 4, but would like to hitch a seat on your upcoming flight to see Vlad in Russia; if you could just drop me off in Paris…Macron thinks he has a job for me.

Thanking you in advance,

Lucky Larry

ANOTHER MYTH THAT NEEDS SNUFFING

SCANDALS AT THE TOP

PART III

Here’s the final installment in our rehash of the nation’s baker’s dozen of top presidential scandals since the Civil War. As you will recall, our purpose here is to find whether the GOP claim to being the law-abiding guardians of the nation’s morals is justified.

Or just a myth that refuses to die? The evidence would seem to be convincing. But you be the judge.

We begin with a more recent scandal your blogger accidentally skipped over in digging back into our past; we then resume our dig into the early 1920s, bumper-crop years for high-level wrongdoing, with a vice for most every schadenfreuder’s palate. The President at that scandalous time was Warren G. Harding, a man synonymous with malfeasance, arguably the record holder for presidential corruption—until the present occupant arrived to make him look like a devout altar boy in comparison.

We resume here with number nine and proceed through thirteen to end our survey.

9. Plamegate (R)

The Valerie Plame Affair opened in July 2003 when conservative journalist Robert Novak outed an undercover CIA agent named Valerie Plame. Why do such an unpatriotic thing? Because Plame’s husband, diplomat Robert Wilson, had been sent by the George W. Bush Administration a year earlier to Niger, Africa, to confirm that Iraq under Saddam Hussein was trying buy “yellow cake” uranium for its nuclear weapons program—which would thereby justify the Bush Administration’s already-launched Iraq War. Wilson discovered nothing of the sort and told the world in a New York Times op-ed piece titled “What I Didn’t Find in Africa.”

That was disloyal, and punishment was in order. The payback took a strange turn when Wilson’s wife, Valerie Plame, was exposed as an undercover CIA agent, which happened to be a crime under the Intelligence Identities Protection Act.

A lengthy legal/political drama with a cast of many ensued, implicating several prominent Neocons who wanted a war in the Middle East. They included the president and the grandest chicken-hawk of them all, Vice President Dick Cheney—who emerged from the legal proceedings unscathed. Not so for Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Cheney’s Chief of Staff and fall guy, who took the hit. He was on March 6, 2007 found guilty of obstruction of justice and four counts of lying under oath, fined $250,000, and sentenced to two and a half years in prison plus two years of probation. President Bush commuted Libby’s prison time, but did not pardon him and left the fine in force. At least the Middle East was stabilized.

10. Teapot Dome under Warren Harding (R)

President Warren G. Harding’s tenure was brief (January 1921-August 1923), but as head of the so-called “Ohio Gang” his scandals were many—reckoned too high a mark to ever be topped, until Trump’s Guinness Book performance (2017-January 2021). Harding was a handsome ladies’ man whose many amours included a long-term mistress Carrie Phillips, who blackmailed him and the GOP for a free trip to Asia and a yearly stipend until her death. Better known is his affair with a young admirer, Nan Britton, with whom he fathered a child out of wedlock, conceived in the Senate cloakroom according to mom.

Oddly, it was not for his sexcapades that Harding is best remembered, but for the Teapot Dome scandal, in which his Secretary of the Interior Albert Fall accepted bribes from private companies to lease oil reserves in Wyoming and California with no competitive bidding. Montana Democrat Senator Thomas J. Walsh led a lengthy investigation that resulted in Fall serving two years in jail and Harry F. Sinclair of the Sinclair Oil receiving a six-month sentence.

11. “Off to the White House, Ha ha ha!” Grover Cleveland (D)

The only American president to have served two non-consecutive terms as president (1885-1889, 1893-1897), Cleveland had fathered an illegitimate son a decade before he was first nominated, a fact exposed by the Buffalo Evening Telegraph. Cleveland owned up to fatherhood and won anyway, prompting the popular chant “Ma, ma, where’s my Pa? Off to the White House, Ha ha ha!” Cleveland, a corruption fighter and the only Democrat to occupy the presidency between the Civil War and Woodrow Wilson, was rewarded for his honesty by being elected just in time to preside over the Panic of 1893, a worldwide depression, and the United States’ first.

12. The Whiskey Ring under Ulysses S. Grant (R)

President Ulysses S. Grant may have been a hero of the Civil War and a hard-nosed general, but he was a soft touch for so-called “friends” who served him ill in his two terms in office. History made no such distinction and was unforgiving in branding his administrations the most corrupt ever…until Harding’s surpassed them a half century later. In the Whiskey Ring scheme begun in 1875, Grant’s army buddies bribed liquor tax collectors to look the other way while they pocketed a cut. The scam was centered in the Midwest—Chicago and Milwaukee and especially Saint Louis—and some of the swag when divvied up went straight into—you guessed it—Republican Party coffers.

13. Crédit Mobilier under Ulysses S. Grant (R)

More of the same. Crédit Mobilier was a dummy construction company created by the Union Pacific Railroad into which they diverted profit from inflated costs for building the eastern leg of the first transcontinental railroad. From the 44 million dirty dollars shaved, a portion was paid in bribes to Washington politicians for favorable treatment. Several politicians had their careers cut short when the scam was exposed.

Final score in the Presidential Scandals League? Elephants 11, Donkeys two. A decisive decision, any way you score it. Yes, character counts…except when it doesn’t…and that’s rather often if a Republican is in office. A curious result of our survey is that Republicans seem overwhelmingly motivated in their mischief by money and power; the Democrats prefer sex. What do you make of that?

By the way, I’m hoping to land a job at The National Enquirer with a series on presidential sexual proclivities present and past.

ANOTHER MYTH THAT NEEDS SNUFFING

SCANDALS AT THE TOP

PART II

Last entry I began my dig into our national scandals at the presidential level; my aim was to explode the die-hard myth that the Republican Party is the guardian of the nation’s morals. We have long been told by the GOP to trust them to obey the law and to govern us relatively free of vices. When election time comes around, we are advised to look for the candidate with the “R” (for rule-abiding) next to his or her name, and put our marks there.

Should we trust them? You be the judge. Here are scandals-at-the-top numbers six through eight of our Dirty Baker’s Dozen.

In Part Two we continue to name the president presiding over each scandal, and identify him by party, with an “R” for Republican and a “D” for Democrat. We start with one probably well known to all you readers, Bill Clinton’s amours.

6. The Flowers-Lewinsky-Clinton Threesome (D)

Republicans, stern guardians of the nation’s sexual morals at the time, pursued a lengthy Senate investigation in the 1990s; it actually began with a probe into a suspect Arkansas real estate deal in which President Bill Clinton was involved. It was known as Whitewater, and Clinton first got involved in the development project back in 1978; after years of Senate committee probing in the 1990s, nothing amiss was found in Clinton’s conduct in the failed development deal.

Persistent always in their mission to root out immorality and vice, the frustrated Republican investigators logically strayed into President Bill Clinton’s active love life, first with Jennifer Flowers, then with intern Monica Lewinski, with whom he brought fellatio to the oval office. A shocked GOP, ever on the alert for sexual transgressions on the part of Democrats, believed nine counts of oral copulation were grounds for removal from office—impeachment in a word. The House of Representatives charged him with him lying under oath, but failed to get a conviction in the Senate.

To date, no lives have been reported lost and no animal was hurt in the scandalous affair. But the Republicans then made “character” a major issue against Clinton’s Vice President Al Gore in his presidential election of 2000. True, Al Gore was innocent of Clinton’s terrible crimes. Nevertheless, the GOP’s guilt-by-association drumbeat split the Dems and vitiated the Democratic party, sending the final decision on who won the 2000 presidential election to the Supreme Court. There a crime greater than nine blow jobs from a young intern in the Oval Office was committed. The rest is history…an unfavorable one for the nation from which we still have not recovered

7. Iran-Contra Affair under Ronald Reagan (R)

A secret and complicated scheme in which missiles were sent by the U.S. to enemy Iran as ransom for seven Americans held hostage, in contravention of our pledge to never negotiate with terrorists. Some of the profits of the sale were diverted to the anti-communist “Contras” in Nicaragua to overthrow the Socialist government, an action that violated a Congressional ban. The extent of President Reagan’s knowledge of the “deal” is still debated, but several members of his Administration—including Lt. Colonel Oliver North and Vice Admiral John Poindexter—were indicted and convicted. North and Poindexter had their convictions overturned on appeal; the rest received pardons from Reagan’s successor, George H. W. Bush, who some say was himself part of the conspiracy.

8. The Wall Street Putsch of 1933 (R)

Some (Republicans mostly) claim the “Business Plot” never happened; but Marine Corps Major General Smedley Butler, a two-time winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor and a Republican, said he had been approached by representatives of the nation’s corporate heavyweights to lead a fascist army of military veterans to overthrow FDR’s presidency. Butler, author of the tell-all booklet, War Is a Racket (1935), immediately and gladly told all.

The plot was apparently smothered in its crib, and it never got the public airing it would seem to have deserved. Why? The corporate powers’ pressure for an early burial, perhaps…the strain of the Great Depression on all, maybe…the early death (March, 1935) of crucial witness bond salesman Gerald MacGuire, the conduit through which General Butler was approached, most likely…the relatively early death of Butler himself (June, 1940), perhaps…the ominous approach of World War II, for sure…or a combination of all those reasons.

Scholars might want to exhume the case and shed some much-needed light on that murky matter of corporate conspiracy and a possible intended overthrow of the U.S. government.

We halt here to give you time to ponder the question. Our depressive quest will end with the third and final installment in the coming days. In the meantime, stand back, but stand by.

ANOTHER MYTH THAT NEEDS SNUFFING

SCANDALS AT THE TOP

PART I

Last time I showed you how the widespread belief that Republicans are the best shepherds of our national’s economy is utter nonsense—as any look at our past proves convincingly. Now let’s move on to another enduring fable that just won’t die, no matter the evidence all around us, within plain view. It is? That Republicans are our solid citizens, the guardians of our morals, the law and order folks whom you can trust to govern us relatively free of vices. When election time comes around, you are advised to look for the candidate with the “R” (for respectable?) next to his or her name, and put your mark there.

Should we? Are they really guardians of the national morality?

Again, let’s look to the top, the most prominent persons in high office, their political parties, and how well they have managed the public trust…how well they’ve “served” their country. Start by Googling American presidential political scandals, of which there are a truly scandalous number. Let’s just stop at the top thirteen most prominent and dub them the “The Dirty Baker’s Dozen.” We will start with the most recent and then wander back in time to the post Civil War era, when the GOP was young and almost innocent.

Since the project will take some time and more space, I’ll break it up into a three-part series. The president presiding over each sordid scandal will be identified by party, with an “R” for Republican and a “D” for Democrat. We start with the present occupant of the White House, who has amassed more in his brief tenure than all the presidents otherwise mentioned.

Scandals

1-4. A Trump Sampler (R)

We start with the all-time champion of presidential scandalous behavior, Donald J. Trump, a grifter without conscience, who, for the sake of brevity, is charged here with a mere four of countless violations of the public trust, all committed within less than four years in office. We’ll select Russian Collusion, Ukraine Extortion, Stormy Daniels Payoff, and the Pudendum Grab ‘Em Tape—two of them treasonous and two of them sexual in nature. (He’s an equal opportunity offender.) We’ll pass on violations of the Emolument Clause of the Constitution because Senate Republicans have declared the document null and void. That would also clear him of his abuse of power and contempt of Congress charges in his impeachment trial as well. Trump escaped impeachment conviction, rescued by his Senate Peep Squad, in a capon caper that defied reason. But onward and downward.

5. Watergate (R)

Nixon’s power play to destroy the domestic opposition party through burglary and document theft by unconstitutional means was foiled at D.C.’s Watergate hotel. The cover-up involved a lengthy trial with some Republicans joining Democrats in finding Nixon guilty of abuse of power. Under threat of impeachment, and with the Constitution then in force, Nixon resigned. Sixty-nine of his associates were indicted, and 48 were convicted of crimes. The stain remains, a standard against all other scandals are measured.

Knowing you’ve got a lot to read in preparation for the upcoming vote, we’ll take a break here and be back with Part Two and Scandal 6 in a couple of days. In the meantime, try to remain sane, suspended as we are in an acid-induced nightmare of Franz Kafka’s.

A MYTH THAT WON’T DIE

WHO’S BETTER WITH OUR BUCKS?

While rummaging through some presidential polls last week, I found one that said Biden led Trump in every category except one: managing the economy. In that category Trump led Biden by nine points.

I was stunned—not that the old canard was still alive, but that the size of the spread was so large, considering the man favored in the poll has gone through six personal bankruptcies and now presides over the greatest economic catastrophe to plague the nation since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

Don’t listen to that discredited trickle-down theory nonsense the Republicans keep trotting out for you to buy. To hear them tell it, give tax breaks to those atop the financial pyramid and the money will “trickle” down to the base, making everybody happy. We’ve practiced it for 40 years, so why isn’t everybody happy? Maybe that yellow stream trickling down on you is not liquid gold; it’s a far more common fluid you’ll find on the floor of many a men’s restroom.

Since I’ve been researching the subject for my next book (my tenth), I thought I’d share with you some of my findings. No, Republicans are decidedly not the best stewards of our national economy. Democrats are. Since World War II, the Gross National Product has grown by 4.4 percent annually when Democrats are in charge; under Republicans it’s grown an average of 2.5 percent—a substantial difference. But why? Economists are not sure. Some suggest that the GOP fondness for tax cuts for the wealthy while increasing the military budget may be a factor. Sounds sound. Nevertheless, Republicans continue to beat the balance-the-budget drum…but only when Democrats are in control. They can do anything they want when they’re in power because…well, because they’re better at that sort of thing.

A longer range taken from a different perspective supports the Democrats’ claim of superior performance. Did you know that since the Civil War, when the Republicans were just beginning as a political party, they have presided over 25 recessions (including the great one of 2007-2008), not to mention the Great Depression. The Democrats own only seven recessions. Again, quite a spread. Starting to get the picture?
All the above may be true, but the myth that Republicans are better custodians of our money persists. Why?  That question remains a mystery and a chronic Liberal lament, verbalized here by the late and quotable writer Gore Vidal:

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along, paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

Spread the word. Destroy the myth.

YOUR SENATE RACES UPDATE

LABOR DAY STANDINGS

Below are the 2020 Senate races the pundits consider competitive. Remember, the Democrats need a net gain of three to take control of the upper chamber—a necessity if President Biden is to be able to do anything after supplanting Ming the Mendacious. Where polls disagree I have blended them, based on their reputations for accuracy as judged by Nate Silver at FiveThirtyEight. As always, remember that polls measure voter sentiment the day they are taken, subject to change due to time and circumstance. I have listed the date of the latest available poll in the right margin.

Based on the numbers above, if the election were held today, the Democrats would pick up five seats (with one still undecided, enabling them to and take control of the Senate by a 52-48 margin.
Be sure to vote. As the late football coach of Michigan State is reputed to have said before his titanic game against Notre Dame, winning is “not a matter of life or death, it’s more important than that.”

HERE’S HOPING YOU MISSED ME

Apologies for my month-long absence. No, I wasn’t vacationing in Cap Ferrat. I was home, fighting an occupational hazard, Writer’s Block. Yep, in the middle of chapter three of my latest book (it will be my ninth) I hit the wall…a barrier that blocks the words from reaching the mind and freezes the fingers.
I think I’m slowly emerging from it now. No longer a drinker, I couldn’t seek my solution of old, alcohol, so I went to my backup—reading poetry aloud to myself to break-up the word jam. And I ran across an old favorite that did the trick—relevant excerpts from T. S. Eliot’s Quartets, the best venting I’ve read of the downside of a writer’s life. Here it is:

Words strain,
Crack and sometimes break, under the burden,
Under the tension, slip, slide, perish,
Decay with imprecision, will not stay in place,
Will not stay still...

So here I am, in the middle way, having had twenty years—
Twenty years largely wasted, the years of l’entre deux guerres—
Trying to learn to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no long has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate—but there is no competition—
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again; and now, under conditions
That seen propitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business...

Those sober and deflating words from T. S. Eliot, one of the greatest poets and wordsmiths of the Twentieth Century, do have a healing effect on us scribblers. And they goad us to press on in our compulsion demanded by our DNA…or something.

YOUR SENATE RACES UPDATE

LIVES IN THE BALANCE

Is deliverance at hand? Could the cancerous blockage in the nation’s digestive system (aka Moscow Mitch McConnell) finally be removed from office by a former female fighter pilot named Amy McGrath? I’m telling you there’s a chance!

As promised two weeks ago, here is an updated status report of this year’s U.S. Senate races, the outcomes of which are so crucial to whether this nation survives as a democracy.

Presented with the standard caveat—all things change in time, and a poll is only good for the day it is taken. Four months is half an eternity in the world of politics.

Based on the numbers above, if the election were held today, the Democrats would pick up six seats (with two still undecided) and thereby take control of the Senate by a 53-47 margin. Let’s hope that one of the departing incumbents is the Kentucky Turtle himself. (Mitch really should have that goiter looked at.)

HIT WITH SHIT FROM ALL SHOVELS!

A WINNER AMONG LOSERS

Who ratted on me? Who among you readers (selected for your intelligence and discretion) gave the Trump family my email address? How did you know I once favored a Republican over a Democrat for president, and why’d you’d have to blab that fact to the Trumps? Yes, I did, and I’m sorry, but that was 1940, when I was in second grade and favored Wendell Willkie over FDR; at the time I had a good reason! Wait a minute…none of you were alive in 1940…okay, you’re absolved. There’s a leak somewhere and I’ve got to find it. Fix it.

What am I talking about? Well, the ten-day, 40-some email bombardment from the Trump family. It began on June 23 with an invitation from the President himself to join the Official Trump VIP Club. Perks included being “the FIRST to receive campaign strategy surveys,” and “get early access to new Trump merchandise.” Not only that: “key campaign surrogates like Lara Trump, Eric Trump, Don, Jr., and Vice President Pence” would send me “important campaign emails.” Lastly, I would “cement” my name in history as one of the “key leaders in the 2020 election.”

The President put a bit of muscle behind the invite:

I really need to know that I can count on you, Larry. My team is handing me the updated membership roster TOMORROW, and I’ll be looking for your name.

Wow! Me, a VIP, recognized as such by somebody other than myself! I felt honored. But I also felt a wee bit pressured…rushed.

The following day at 7:19 a.m. Team Trump 2020 emailed me and sweetened the deal:

Larry, is everything OK? President Trump asked if you were available to meet him at an upcoming event, but we hadn’t heard from you yet. You’ve always been one of our best supporters, and NOT entering just isn’t like you. The President is going to call us again soon.

Well, truth is I hadn’t been one of those “best supporters.” And about that meeting—where is it? I’m not very mobile and can’t go far. But I’d be up for it if it’s close-by. Any way I can serve my country. But what would I wear? I’m a guy who lives in sweats and slippers. And my suit has a guacamole stain on the lapel.

Less than two hours later another email came, from the Trump Campaign this time:

Larry,
Is everything OK?

Well, I wish the pandemic would go away so the baseball season could start—and so the deaths would stop. But it’s nice that you ask.

President Trump asked us if you were available to meet him at an upcoming event but we told him we haven’t heard from you yet. You’ve always been one of our BEST supporters, and NOT entering isn’t just like you.

Huh, I don’t remember supporting him…age sure messes with your memory.

The President is going to call us again for an update. Can we confirm your RSVP when he calls?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so don’t wait any longer.

Please contribute ANY AMOUNT TODAY to win a chance to meet your favorite president and take a picture together.

Remember, if you win:
• We’ll cover your flight
• We’ll cover your hotel
• We’ll cover your meal
• You’ll get to bring a guest

Anyone? Even Sleepy Joe?

• And you’ll get to take a photo with the President

As I read further, it turned out I’d been selected to meet President Trump only if I “won” the contest. Won? Yes, all I had to do to become eligible was contribute anywhere from $5 to $2800—the winner would get all those goodies described.

So many questions still were left unanswered: Would the meeting be in D.C.? Which airline? And should I even be flying with the risk of COVID? Not even the airlines seem too confident... Would I choose my hotel or is a room already reserved? Would I get only the one meal? Would Joe get his own room? How many winners would there be? And how would they be selected? Would it be a drawing? Would my $5.00 contribution give me an equal chance against those $2800 high rollers? Surely the Trumps wouldn’t tamper with the outcome, would they?

I wavered. I’d have to get a sitter for the dogs. And have the suit cleaned.

I decided to await further details. Instead, in the ensuing email blitz of six or eight a day I got only edgy barbs, including one from Eric on June 26 headed “You can do better,” and another from Donald, Jr. telling me to “pick up the pace.”

I dithered.

Then the hammer came down, wielded by the president himself; it was June 30, just four hours before the quarterly fundraising deadline ran out:

Larry,

I emailed you.

Yes, sir, you did, nearly thirty times.

The vice president mailed you.

He did. Spoke well of you, sir.

My sons, Don Jr. and Eric, both emailed you.

So many times I couldn’t count. They both kind of harassed me actually. Can you talk to them about it?

My campaign manager, Brad, emailed you.

Must have missed that one.

Lara emailed you.

Yes, but who’s Lara? Your Trump women come and go…I can’t keep up.

Newt Gingrich emailed you.

Didn’t read it. Does he now have a fourth wife and a fourth religion?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders emailed you.

Sorry Sister Sarah. Not converting.

Trump Finance emailed you.

Yep, they did. Quite a few times.

And now I’m emailing you. Again.

Each day, my team has given me a list of Patriots who have stepped up to help us reach our End-of-Quarter Goal, and each day, I’ve noticed YOUR NAME IS STILL MISSING.

Yikes! The President put “my name” in ALL CAPS AND BOLDFACE! It’s true—I didn’t give. I hadn’t had time to send in my $5.

I could tell him the cleaners lost my suit. That the check for five dollars was in the mail. Could I qualify as a patriot by virtue of serving four years, eight months and 14 days in the Air Force during the Korean War? What happens to me when he finds out that JFK was my favorite president, not him? That I once wrote on my blog that he was the dumbest featherless biped who ever dragged his knuckles across the surface of planet Earth? 
He’s such a vengeful man. Would I be kneecapped? Both are titanium and I’m already arthritic…I couldn’t run for it. No way.

So I rewrote my will, and when the noisy Fourth rolled around I cowered under my bed with my high-strung Heidi, both of us fearing the worst.

It never came, thankfully. Instead I got an email the next morning from Donald Trump, Jr. inviting me to join his father at the 2020 Convention Celebration in Florida. No way. Instead, I unsubscribed from the whole Trump extended family, exiting this grinding loop, this carousel of the crazy.

Another lesson learned. I’m either a lot more important than I thought I was, or the Trump gang is both confused and desperate. I believe you can guess the correct answer…and keep it to yourself.

Dad's Day Kiss

Dad gets a Father’s Day kiss from his beautiful blonde daughter Heidi, just seconds before she cleaned her…uh, hindquarters.

THE SILENCE OF THE ELEPHANTS

ARE THEY HEADING FOR SLAUGHTER?

Did you read President Trump’s tweet on the two Buffalo policemen who shoved a 75-year-old demonstrator to the pavement and sent him to the hospital unconscious with a bleeding skull? No? Well here it is:

Buffalo protester shoved by Police could be an ANTIFA provocateur. 75 year old Martin Gugino was pushed away after appearing to scan police communications in order to black out the equipment…I watched, he fell harder than was pushed. Was aiming scanner. Could be a set up?

Now, did you hear the comments by Republican senators the following day, waylaid by reporters with printouts of the Tweet asking them what they thought of their master’s groundless charge? A couple of them (neither up for re-election this year) expressed their feelings about Trump’s tweet in the negative:

“Oh Lord! Ugh!” said Alaska’s Lisa Murkowski (R).

David Thune (R), Senate Majority Whip from South Dakota, was more expansive, though he only kicked the can down the road: “It’s a serious accusation which only should be made with facts and evidence. And I haven’t seen any yet.”

Only Mitt Romney (R) of Utah spoke against the president without hedge or equivocation: “I saw the tweet; it was a shocking thing to say, and I won’t dignify it with any further comment.”

As for the rest of them—well, they were “in a rush” and didn’t have time to give much of an answer.

“I haven’t read the damn thing. I don’t want to hear it,” Senator Pat Roberts (R) of Kansas told reporters.

Senator Marco Rubio (R) of Florida said, “I don’t read Twitter. I only write on it.”

Senator John Cornyn (R) of Texas, who is up for re-election this November, said “You know, a lot of this stuff just goes over my head.”

Up for re-election…hmmm, could that have something have to do with the Republican senators’ reticence in responding to such a simple question? Possibly. As you know, 23 Republican senators are up for reelection this November, compared to only 11 Democrats. Those numbers by themselves pose a big challenge to the GOP’s keeping control of the Senate, which presently stands at 53 Republicans, 45 Democrats, and two mavericks who sleep with the donkeys. A net loss of four GOP seats would give Dems control of the Senate.
At this moment in time—and it is emphasized here that polls are only good for the day they are taken—GOP prospects of hanging on to the upper body seem to be dimming rapidly.
Most of the Republican seats in the South and the Heartland are safe, secure, not competitive. As for the rest (as of June 17) much GOP sweat is being shed. For good reason, at least at this juncture in the race. Of the 14 states in play, all but one is held by a Republican.

Why don’t the Republicans abandon their elephant totem and adopt a different symbol? Elephants are intelligent, matriarchal, caring, and courageous; Republicans are…not.

Expect an update on the Senate races here after the Fourth of July.

A TIME TO REMEMBER JAMES BALDWIN

Your Blogmaster found this Baldwin tribute/photo essay on his daughter Molly Margaret Meyer’s Instagram last week. I was so impressed with its content, presentation, and timeliness that I chose to reprint it here as it originally appeared, reverse type and all. As some of you will remember, Baldwin was arguably the most eloquent Black voice in the United States a half–century ago. His prose has lost nothing of its beauty and relevance today. Excerpts from Baldwin’s “Letter from a Region in My Mind,” which first appeared in the November 17, 1962 issue of The New Yorker and was later incorporated into Baldwin’s The Fire Next Time, begins this two-part dialogue. Molly’s photographs illustrate selected excerpts and her own comments.

THE CLOWN IN SEARCH OF A CROWN

SO YOU’RE TELLING ME THERE’S A CHANCE

For the last three years President Donald J. Trump has bantered with supporters and journalists about defying the Twenty-second Amendment and staying on past his two-term limit to run again in 2024. He’s even mused out loud before his faithful that he might seek reelection beyond 2024. Was he serious? Just joking, he said. Messing with the media. But when China “appointed” Xi Jinping leader for life, Trump said, “I think it’s great. Maybe we’ll have to give that a shot someday.” Still just joking?

In Pennsylvania in May 0f 2019, while addressing a cheering crowd of supporters, he said “We ran one time and we’re 1-and-0—but it was for the big one. Now we’re going to have a second time. And we’re going to have another one. And then we’ll drive them crazy.” Does that mean a third term?

Last June, in his endless war with “Fake News,” he was at it again:

A poll should be done on which is the more dishonest and deceitful newspaper, the Failing New York Times or the Amazon (lobbyist) Washington Post! They are both a disgrace to our Country, the Enemy of the People, but I just can’t seem to figure out which is worse? The good news is that at the end of 6 years, after America has been made GREAT again and I leave the beautiful White House (do you think the people would demand that I stay longer? [emphasis mine] KEEP AMERICA GREAT), both of these horrible papers will quickly go out of business & be forever gone!

Hate to break it to you, sir. Odds favor both papers surviving your presidency. As for “people” demanding you return for an encore performance, I’d say fuhgeddaboudit. Check the numbers. Math-minded Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog has you down by more than 11 points in the job approval category as of June 2; the highly regarded Monmouth University Poll has you approval rating at minus 13. That’s a mighty high wall to scale this year, 2020.

Still, hope (or is it delusion?) springs eternal in the Trumpian mind. And, to be sure, he’s got one tough autocrat in his corner. That would be none other than Vladimir Putin, now celebrating his twentieth year in charge of Russia, eclipsing the tenure of any Czar. As his mentor and master, Vlad takes a paternal interest in his mentally disadvantaged protégé. He said last year that he doesn’t think Trump should be hampered by the term-limit amendment: “(This clause) troubles some of our political analysts and public figures. Well, maybe it could be removed.”

Yeah, thanks Vlad for your two rubles of advice. But judging by your puppet’s physical and mental state these days, he’ll be hard-pressed to make it to November.

TONIGHT’S POP QUIZ

More Challenging Relief from Your Lockdown Boredom

I’ve been rather easy on you up till now with my mind-lifting quizzes. Though continuing in the same vein as the first two, this one is more difficult, yet will prove more useful down the road we travel together toward a brighter and better future.
Back to the present, you will be better armed for that Memorial Day family beach outing when you’ll have to see your right-wing brother in law again.

OK? Pencils out. Answers below. No peeking. You’re on the honor system.

1. How many electoral votes do the West Coast states of California, Oregon, Washington, and Hawaii have in total?

2. How many of those votes went Democratic in the last presidential election?

3. How many seats in the House of Representatives do the four states above have in total? (Your best estimate.)

4. How many seats are held by Democrats and how many by Republicans? Answer in percentages OK.

5. How many California House districts include Orange County turf?

ANSWERS

1. Seventy-seven.

2. All 77. The West Coast states (Pacifica) haven’t sent a single electoral vote for a Republican presidential candidate to Washington D.C. since 1992.

3. Seventy seats.

4. Of those 70 seats, 59 are held by Democrats, and 11 by Republicans; in percentages, that’s 84% to 16%. (A message there?)

5. There are seven seats that include all or part of Orange County, long a bastion of ultra-conservatism in the Goldwater/Reagan West that was. As of November 2016, all seven are represented by Democrats…such a nasty insult to the memory of John Birch.

Stay well! Meet you in Pacifica!

GOODBYE, PHILIP

SOME TRENCHANT WORDS FROM THE LATE PHILIP ROTH

One enquiring reader of my last Baboon Gabble Derby blog asked me where I came up with the number 77 as my count of Donald Trump’s complete vocabulary. You can’t imagine how delighted I am to respond. Well, I didn’t actually “come up with it”—I borrowed it—from Philip Roth, to whom I will now take the opportunity to pay my tardy respects. The late novelist, who died on May 22, 2018, was quoted in the January 30, 2017 issue of The New Yorker:

I found much that was alarming about being a citizen during the tenures of Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. But, whatever I may have seen as their limitations of character or intellect, neither was anything like as humanly impoverished as Trump is: ignorant of government, of history, of science, of philosophy, of art, incapable of expressing or recognizing subtlety or nuance, destitute of all decency, and wielding a vocabulary of seventy-seven words that is better called Jerkish than English.

Well put, as usual. As for Trump’s war on journalists who dare to criticize him, Roth had this to say:

Unlike writers in Eastern Europe in the nineteen-seventies, American writers haven’t had their driver’s licenses confiscated and their children forbidden to matriculate in academic schools. Writers here don’t live enslaved in a totalitarian police state, and it would be unwise to act as if we did, unless—or until—there is a genuine assault on our rights and the country is drowning in Trump’s river of lies. In the meantime, I imagine writers will continue robustly to exploit the enormous American freedom that exists to write what they please, to speak out about the political situation, or to organize as they see fit.

Amen! Amen!

I’m sure many of you have read Roth, or seen films or television series based on his writings. Indeed, the television mini-series now appearing on HBO, The Plot Against America, is but one of several TV adaptations of his fiction. Other major works of his include Goodbye, Columbus, Portnoy’s Complaint, The Human Stain, American Pastoral (for which he won the Pulitzer Prize in 1998), Indignation, Nemesis. A much-honored author of his time, he won two National Book Awards and three PEN/Faulkner Awards for his fiction.

While saluting Roth I should also praise The New Yorker, the best magazine that is or ever was…in my informed opinion. I’ve loved magazines since I was kid reading Boy’s Life; I got my Master’s degree in magazine journalism from UCLA; I was a magazine editor for 13 years; I taught magazine journalism for 15 years at CSULB; through it all I always looked to The New Yorker as the mark of excellence to shoot for.
Now I grieve to see so many of my favorite magazines emaciated or vanished in this hurried digital age. I feel rather like those pooper-scooper guys must have felt with the passing of the horse-and-buggy age. Sad. Obsolete. Without a job.

Can’t we all slow down? Go back to reading?

TOMORROW IS DERBY DAY!

HERE’S A FUN LOCKDOWN GAME FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY

Let’s go to the races!

Yes, yes, I know—this year’s Kentucky Derby (which would have been the 146th Run for the Roses) has been scratched. But don’t despair. I’ve invented a fun, stand-in game the whole family can play. It substitutes words for horses, and only requires players to watch on the telly President Trump deliver any of his almost daily Coronavirus Press Briefings. (Come on, do it for your country!)

Here’s how I set the game up. I took a half-loaf of fourth-grader’s grammar, mixed it with a quart of words from a 77-word vocabulary, added a cup of bile and a pinch of punctuation, mixed it in a blender for 30 minutes, then poured. Voila! From this goop I extracted my Baboon Gabble Derby Game.

You thoroughbred racing fans know that the Kentucky Derby is run by the 20 best three-year-old horses (be they colts, fillies, or geldings) in the country, determined by their records in past races. I selected my 20 entries in the Baboon Gabble Derby by watching too many Trump Coronavirus Press Briefings. To avoid dozing off into a rare (for me) afternoon nap, I started keeping a count of the word repetitions. To my non-amazement, I discovered that the same words kept recurring, but in different frequencies day to day.

Then it occurred to me. Why not do my civic duty of staying awake during the President’s two-hour flow of verbal flatulence by keeping a count of words used…and why not make a game of it? There could be odds, like in the Kentucky Derby! Folks could throw a BGD Day party (on Zoom, of course) and bet on their pick or picks. Yep, there could be Win, Place, and Show wagering. Daily Doubles and Pick Sixes if you wanted to segment the two hours of tedium. All you need is a television, a pen or pencil, and the Morning Line (below), which I have laboriously compiled over the last month plus. (You have my permission to reprint it, without infringement on my patent or copyright.)

Finally, I wish to thank and pay homage to The Daily Racing Form, whose format I have followed in listing the entries in the first Baboon Gabble Derby.

Note to those who become addicted to Baboon Gabble Derby game: remember, you should readjust the odds after every race run, based on the order in which the words finished in prior races.

You might want to honor Kentucky, Moscow Mitch, and tradition by sipping a Mint Julep while you play. They’re really easy to make. Fetch a sprig of mint from your garden, macerate it over crushed ice in an Old Fashion glass, pour in three ounces of bourbon, and add a teaspoon of sugar, stir and enjoy. Sorry I can’t recommend what brand of bourbon to pour. I’m a teetotaler myself, and fearful of falling off the wagon. So I substitute corn syrup for the booze and double the sugar. I limit myself to two. But feel free to down as many as it takes to see you through our common confinement.

And pick yourself a winner!

Copyright Baboon Gabble Derby Game 2020

ANSWERS TO POP QUIZ #2

My apologies for being late in getting the quiz answers back to you on Saturday as promised, but as many of you know, professors seldom keep their word on returning assignments. My excuse? I spent the weekend consulting with the president on the giving of Noble Prizes to journalists.

Anyway, here are your answers to last week’s quiz.
Grade yourself on how you did. On the Honor System, 24 points maximum.

Top row, left to right: Mazie Hirono, Senator, Democrat, Hawaii; Brian Schatz, Senator, Democrat, Hawaii.

Second row, left to right: Patty Murray, Senator, Democrat, Washington; Maria Cantwell, Senator, Democrat, Washington.

Third row, left to right: Ron Wyden, Senator, Democrat; Oregon; Jeff Merkley, Senator, Democrat, Oregon.

Fourth row, left to right: Kamala Harris, Senator, Democrat, California; Diane Feinstein, Senator, Democrat, California.

By now I suppose you suspect what I’m up to. Yes, all four of these Pacific states have Democratic senators, eight in all. And you will remember that Quiz #1 revealed that the same states had four Democratic governors. Not a Republican to be found in either office on the “Left Coast.”

Note also the racial and gender mix in this new Nation, Pacifica, made up of four former states. Why are we still tethered to loser states like Alabama and Indiana? Time for Pacifica to go its own way. Peacefully.

I’ll be posting more about Pacifica soon.